pinkfloydpsw's Blog

I never remember in the morning what they contained, the details. I only know how, upon waking up, they made me feel. Now that I was having good days for a change I wondered why I was repeatedly feeling dread and a sense of loss immediately after I woke. This feeling stayed with me throughout the morning until I had had my first coffee of the day. I wasn’t hungry in the morning either now, sometimes I wouldn’t eat until lunch time even, when I might force down a sandwich.

The blooms are out, it’s beautiful this time of year, I sit in the garden a lot and read now, something I was never relaxed enough to do before. There are no expectations on me now, no people to keep pleased and sustained. I’m freer now, I can have as much conversation as I want, I can write, friends are closer and more available now and I have time for them. An existence where my life centered around others is behind me. Why still then do the dreams leave such a feeling in the morning? I think I may have been dreaming of that idyllic life I had wanted, but now that reality is gone and I have the chance of only calm water my dreams have continued to postulate that idyllic existence. I thought I was smarter than that but my subconscious is obviously not so, it believed that if I had the ingredients then I could make the cake at the time. It didn’t seem to realise that all things cannot be fixed, it was more hopeful than realistic. I should be dreaming of new possibilities.

Waking up I rub my left thumb along my third finger, to see if there is a ring there, I am still sad there is not, my half woken sub-self seems disappointed also. I have nothing to complain about, I’m not ill save for the heartache. What is it about that that my subconscious misses so much? is it the sense of purpose or duty that once seemed important. I can’t quite understand why my subconscious hasn’t caught up yet to my every day awareness. There is no conflict and no uncertainty in my mind, I am okay now, at least I will be in time. Will it learn or will my dreams haunt me for a time?

Paul Simon Wilson