Brilliantly, that’s the only way I can describe it. It is person-centred or Rogerian therapy (Carl Rogers, look it up) and my therapist is impressive, highly professional and very knowledgeable; she is my guide to knowing myself. I have managed to learn more about myself in six weeks than in the forty two years that preceded them and I’m in a good place now because of it, beforehand I was in turmoil. I sought therapy to find out why I am the way I am, and it has worked for me, I discovered the root cause of my problem. It turns out that a problematic relationship with a relative I had had in my childhood is the key to why I have manifest problems engaging with certain types of women in the now. A failure on my part to resolve or be aware of this conflict has caused me to be drawn to, and to draw in ‘project women’ – broken souls one might describe them as.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/person-centered

So what have I done? My dating history is one of a man who seeks out, unconsciously, the type of partner who has their own manifest problems, those specifically that grapple with problematic relationships with one or more parents, a needy and sad individual who is looking for a confidence boost or a crutch to lean on. I become their hero, I recognise their vulnerabilities and I use my giving nature to build them up, essentially I “fix” them. The problem is this though, once they’re fixed they either don’t want to know me or I no longer want to know them, in a paradoxically stupid way I ruin my own relationships by making a woman strong enough to detach from me and seek the what and the who they really want. Like a doctor I am extremely important when needed but disregarded when the patient has fully recovered.

It’s not quite that simple though, they seek me out too, I am a target for the sort of woman who is needy in this way. I must be easily recognisable as that since I am so frequently recognised, my willingness must be written all over my demeanour. This has to change, it’s not about becoming less sympathetic or more callous and selfish, it’s about being less accepting of my role and my rewards within a partnership, I have to stop the one way street of care because I have rarely been a recipient and mostly been a generous provider in that area.

“What about me, what do I get out of this?”

Those are the questions I need to ask of my relationship with my partner. For a long time I thought it was sufficient just to be a good man and live up to what I considered my duty as a partner, no cheating, no lies and no harsh words, I thought if I lived this way then rewards would come to me and I would be loved back. This approach has proved unsuccessful, I have been caught up with takers my whole life. I suppose that I have let myself be used, people might have a tendency to exploit those who are willing, or even wishing, to be exploited. So I can’t fully blame my ex partners for their attitudes, apart from one of course, the one who set out to harm me. I need actually to thank her, she is the person who drove me to therapy and she will be the catalyst of my recovery.

Anyway, it’s going well for now….

Paul Simon Wilson