I am an angry man, in my head I may already have killed you and disposed of your corpse…
You only have to say the word yawn and I will yawn. If you yawn, I will yawn. If my cat yawns then guess what… I yawn. Apparently that is a sign that sympathy is indeed present, that I’m not a psychopath, which I suppose is good news. Yet, most people, even ones I know, outside of my small group of friends, could literally expire in front of me and I just wouldn’t have any concern with that happening beyond my first thought, which would be… “what implications are in this for me?”
Now that might sound harsh I admit, but it’s simply me, I am macro interested in people as a mass, but rarely interested in any one person. I have very little micro-interest unless the person has done something that makes them exist outside of the herd, or are individually interesting to me (which quite a lot of folks are admittedly). Exiting the herd is a rarity, most people, as far as I can see, are deeply devoted to the idea that what they really need to do is… worship the same deity their parents do, get a job, have kids, buy a house, and pack the car for a day at the seaside when the sun shines. Competing for a sandy stretch with other folks of the same ilk who have dragged the brats and the dog along to share the misery that is the beach when it is full because the sun is shining.
Most people like what is popular because it is popular, most people are living clone lives with little uniqueness, most people do what most people do in a different order. Don’t get me wrong, I am forced into this rat race also to some extent, but I am merely going along because I cannot yet escape. I am not bought in, I do not love my job, I do not like what is popular because it is popular, I do not wish to identify with any group of people, I do not join clubs of like minded persons. I am rebellious for the sake of rebellion itself.
“Rebellion arises from the spectacle of the irrational coupled with an unjust and incomprehensible condition. But it’s blind impetus clamours for order in the midst of chaos, and for unity in the very heart of the ephemeral. It protests, it demands, it insists that the outrage comes to an end, that there be built upon rock what until now was written unceasingly upon the waters. It’s aim is to transform” – Albert Camus
I’m hard to be friends with because I am critical of everyone and every thing, and I’m difficult to align with because I have an awkward sort of honesty that prevents me from buying in most of the time to any singular ideal. I’m not on the right or the left, I think all successful people are mostly corrupted by the previous gatekeepers of success, and that’s the sole reason they get to be successful. Politics is obviously corrupt, people are demonstrably corrupt, society is corrupted, families are often morally corrupt, religions are financially corrupt and that’s not their only misdemeanour . It would be hard to find anything that I don’t think has been corrupted.
You’ll tell from some of my other posts that I think most people are liars, and most people actually wish to be lied to. That’s not a blanket statement though, any person can make sense, be correct, say something honest and objective, it’s just that most people usually don’t. The point of this post is not to elicit your sympathy or your understanding, but to examine something fundamental, why am I what I am, an asshole you might contend, and why are you as you are, possibly an asshole also?
A lot of the time I write about what I think or encounter, but sometimes I write about me, it’s sort of a continuation of the therapy I once had. I’m from a family of people who see the world in terms of black and white, and they are from a place where opinions and details are strongly felt as black and white because the people from that place know no other way to know themselves. What I mean by that is that a trait I inherited, genetically or behaviourally, is to be either completely for something, or completely against it, with no grey areas. My Mother thinks like this, my two brothers exhibited the same thinking to differing degrees, and when you learn to spot it, it becomes easy to recognise in every aspect of the way many people think the world should be organised.
I have spent my life trying to be different to the guy my natural urges seem to want me to be, an asshole, but many times I fail. Can you change yourself by wanting to be different? I know that I pass through life constantly suppressing a deeply felt dislike of, disappointment in, and frustration with, the majority of the people I have ever met. I immediately do not like the new people I meet because I just know they are very likely going to be both disappointing as humans, and full of shit. Occasionally I am pleased when I’m wrong.
- Yes you likely are fat
- No you’re not that funny
- Your kids are very likely rather ordinary
- You are nowhere near as smart as you imagine
- Holidays you go on where you are surrounded by other people from your home country and you eat the food you eat at home and listen to the music you listen to at home, are not really holidays. You are at simply at home, but somewhere else
- Nobody wants to hear what the doctor said
- Nobody wants to see your pictures
- Nobody wants to hear about you kids exam results
- If you trust what is on TV, then you are a moron
- Your life is everyone else’s life, and their life bores them enough without you adding to it with the rubble from yours
- And yes I know, I’m fucking horrible lol.
So that’s the way I naturally think. When I watch sports I wish to be entertained, when I have sex I wish to be excited, when I eat I wish to be satisfied, and when I converse I wish to learn something or be challenged. I often fall into the trap of thinking that because something makes sense to me that it should make sense to you also, and that if I think something is a good idea then you should also see the merits in it. I like to talk of real things that matter, but I soon snap out of that when I see a glazed look on a person’s face and feel I must return to listening to the talk of Love Island and other trivial nonsense.
How could I be other than I am? I’m serious, how could I change? Can I will it, work on it, develop it, act it? Is that what self improvement is, and if I’m happy being the me that I am, then why would I want to? What I hate is being defined by everyone else, held to a standard of society that I do not agree with. It is absolutely fine not to thank somebody for following the instructions you give them if you are in fact paying them to sell you something, you’re putting food on their table, you’re contributing to their better life. It’s absolute bullshit to say “that’s fine” when somebody grants a request you make, as if you validate them and their actions. It’s perfectly ok for me not to hold the door open, it’s fine for me to be a coward and favour my self preservation over your inconvenience. See, I’m at odds like this with many imagined social forces, and I simply don’t care if you think I am wrong.
My girlfriend thinks I might be a non-practicing serial killer (as a joke), but what I am is just a misanthrope, a person who has no real interest in his fellow humans. Yet, like I said before, I have a fundamental interest in human emancipation and animal rights, and here in this piece I have kind of posed you the reader a problem in figuring how that can be. When you do could you let me know?
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