pinkfloydpsw's Blog

I have been thinking about a career change, not immediately, but over a period starting soon, I would like to learn and do something else. I’m a computer technician at the moment, but that is just what I do, it is not what I am. I face an uphill battle to continue to do what I do currently anyway, one I don’t wish to fight in. The landscape of technology is changing at a faster and faster pace, and people who are my age cannot keep up. Not because we are not able, but because we are just not willing.

There’s little to no enthusiasm left in me for technology, or for learning about technology. From my observations, technology progresses and causes people to regress, it makes the world faster yet more complex, and it gives people more leisure time to prove that they are stupid in. In working my role I do not pursue the endeavours of a hobbyist, enjoying himself in the leisure based pursuit of a desire to build or improve, I am not performing science or producing a product for some people, maybe something that makes a difference to lives. No, I keep some stuff running for a firm and they pay me a wage. The technological wheel keeps turning so that the product or service can be consumed. There’s no validation in that, not that I want any validation anyway.

What I want, would like, is to become some kind of therapist, a counsellor of people. Now that may sound ridiculous at first, it certainly would if you knew me. I’m not exactly stable or consistent in my own mind. They say (who says?) that the best therapists are those people who have faced a few issues themselves, especially if they have learned something on the journey. I feel I am a success story though, because I was troubled and angry, frustrated and stupid, and now I am not (well, a lot less). I have not been through much that I didn’t cause upon myself, and I have little excuse for it either. I made some mistakes and I got some bad rewards for them.

Now I could try to claim that my previous difficulties, which I will not detail, were the result of something external, but that’s one of the things you learn about yourself in therapy, maybe the most important, that you have to take responsibility for your part in your troubles. I knew when I started that this was the likely direction we would go, on the way there are denials, and blame thrown at everyone that ever did you a wrong. But….. viewed from the outside, all these situations involved a rational human being that had a choice, me. I chose to marry a bad one, I chose to trust people who then let me down, I chose my angry responses, I chose my jealousy, I choose none of these now. Anger I still choose, I will always choose to let it out in some way, these days it is words more than deeds. They say (again they, who are these people), that anger is a drink that poisons the glass that holds it, so I prefer not to hold it. I am no longer angry at my ex wife for being an utter c**t, nor am I angry at myself for being a fool. Who isn’t a fool?

Paul S Wilson