For me, frustration is anger that wishes to, but cannot, be released. Anger that can be released is satisfied, sated, you can go on, move past and not be angry any longer because you have in some way acted. But anger that is mixed with hope is disappointment, and disappointment restrained by the worry that venting that anger, in the hope that something may change, and imagining that the venting may make things worse, possibly exposing where something is fundamentally broken, is resentment. To resent is to bury anger badly, always being aware and affected by it, but trying to act as if it is not a big thing. Unfortunately it is too strong to be caged, it is going to come out. That may be back biting, complaints to friends about what he or she did now, or it can take many other forms.
I hold no resentment toward anyone in my personal life currently, my working life is another matter that I find very frustrating, but who doesn’t? I once resented my now ex wife tremendously for her nature, and it is possible I was verbally cruel to her at times. No matter what an arsehole she was, and she was frequently, I’m not proud of myself (at that time) because I like to think I’m not a bad person (I may not be correct about that). That’s it leaking out, when the words of resentment, the snide remarks, the overtly applied sarcasm, the withhold of affection, the refusal to recognise achievement and rightly praise, the will to intellectually embarrass or make foolish, or just a general cantankerousness in acts, leaches into the everyday fabric, that’s when you know you are feeling and being resentful; you catch yourself being an arsehole. I think in relationships you may feel let down by that other person, as if they always lean on you and you do your best or put what you would have done to the side in their favour, yet when you need them it’s nothing but tumbleweed. Maybe they aren’t keeping up their end of the bargain? I’ve had the same thing with pals, I always think it may be my doing in that I do not really say ‘no’ as much as I probably should or that others observably do, nor do I put my requirements as paramount. Normally I feel I’m waiting for some sort of reciprocity that never arrives for some efforts I’ve made. I do think it’s important though not to see relationships as transactions, but it’s also important not to be a complete sap either. It’s not all about me, I get that, but it can be sometimes?
Resentment is an indication that the relation between people is not fixable by truth telling. If the truth could make a difference, then it would be the tactic to be used, a frank and honest chat. People in good solid relationships, including friendships, tend to tell each other the truth because there is rarely a reason to lie. I have no will or need to lie to my partner Em, I just tell her whatever I happen to think about whatever I am thinking about, and she does the same, I think. This works spectacularly as we seem to have no resentment biting away at the edges of our unit. My pals would not be my pals if I thought I could not tell them the truth of things. Not everything of course, but what is held back is omission and not deception. Deception is to deliberately mislead, omission is just to not offer or divulge. For other people my attitude toward truths and away from placation seems to prove somewhat problematic. I tend to not fluff egos, nor do I practice deference to nitwits, so I rarely endear the praise and favour of the powerful. I care not…
We all have small things we would change about the people close to us if we had the power to do so, but nothing big. We all have things that we would change about our partner, but again it wouldn’t be big stuff or are we not with the wrong person in the first place? I’m always bemused by the picking of a partner that is less than and then the attempt to change them, it seems somewhat futile, and it can only lead to falseness and resentment. If he’s a golfer then he’s going to golf, if she’s a dancer then she’s going to dance. To try to change their ways so they don’t do what is within them is to gain their resentment even if they don’t know it yet either. Conversely, knowledge and compliance to their will and desires is not weakness, it is the contract between persons, anything else is just as much domination and exploitation as the attempt to change the fundamentals of the person. I must tacitly agree rather than my actions be the outcome of force or coercion, that way it’s real. Now I may not entirely agree with the expectation, but if I can make habit of meeting it at no real cost to myself, and act autonomically for the sake of knowing that it is a small thing that is important to them in a way that it is not to me, then I can assimilate it into my actions without feeling resentment. Only by this agreement can the things that are expected of us be assimilated into our actions without feeling something negative about them.
I feel I am a person who is capable of being resentful. It is possible that I have some feelings of persecution simply by being Northern Irish, and I think I might hold some thoughts on being side-lined in favour of others at times because of my family structure. I’ll explain those, because we can’t just state what we are like this is social media or some other ego driven persona platform. I am a middle child, that means I am not the first, the primary, and I am not the last, the baby. What this does to someone is it makes them realise that they are not really the focus much of the time, and that is not deliberate, it just happens to be. The other aspect, the national identity, is where if you happen to be from somewhere where there is a constant need to justify your existence as a people, then this tends to make people tribal, suspicious, resentful, and curious, even xenophobic which is paradoxical since my countrymen, about 50% of them, in the tribe I am from, wish to be part of a larger group that is indifferent to them mostly. I suppose this is like, as a country, having an older sibling that finds you naff as and a cramp to their style.
Throw resentment aside, understand instead. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see what you think. We are all motivated by things we cannot see or understand.
pinkfloydpsw's Blog 
Leave a comment