It’s the cruellest of universal jokes that man is configured his way and woman hers, that these two incompatible beings, and I am about to tell you what I mean by that statement, are attracted to each other so strongly that they will wave all sense so as to promise each other forever and bind that forever into a prison-like legality that cannot be easily escaped without dire consequence.

I said incompatible, I mean that from a purely evolutionary perspective. If we take the essence of man as his virility, his desires rule his thoughts and his actions, his reasoning is secondary. This chemical process, this explosion of want caused by testosterone, makes the teenager a spotty mess and the man an aggressive and competitive seeker of pleasure. We are all Andrew Tate (a bad influencer), just civilised versions with morals and respect, we override our animal with the reasoned recognition that we have no right to be a beast within a society of equals. The beast is not missing, it is caged and not let out, secondary preference takes the lead. We are smart enough to realise that to give is to then get, to love is to then be loved, kindness begets kindness, when you create joy you get joy in return. The beast merely takes, its pleasure is fleeting and unrepeatable within the same circumstances with the same persons, yes its lust can be satisfied, but that satisfaction is shallow not deep, temporary, leaving no lasting glow. Evolution built us this way.

Evolution bestowed upon man the lasting chemistry to be the lion that reaps the reward of multiple lionesses, all virile and at their perceived peak. For the woman the window is narrower, the body changes earlier from a sexual being to a post-able, in reproductive terms, object. These creatures’ (men and women) spans of sexual compatibility are measurably different, and because of that the coupling, which is initially based on lust – an evolutionary imperative that is as natural as breathing -, fades at differing rates. One could say that the man is burdened for a longer time, that the woman gets off easier, but I think that many would not agree that women have it easier in any way, so I won’t make that claim. Women may have the advantage of naturally valuing, in greater measure, the other relationship facets that exist outside of lust, they may feel bonds that, although present, are not apparent to their male counterpart. Companionship, friendship, safety, and many more.

Men must overcome their weak limitations to be as strong as women in this way, but the other side of the argument states that women must please so he does not wander off to find what drives him. One of these perspectives is permissible in modern society and the other isn’t, and that’s weird because in psychological terms it is well understood that women mostly cheat because of lack of love/tenderness/kindness/safety, whereas men cheat primarily for gratification. These things cannot be positioned as true repeatable measured useful almost-facts (rules of thumb) in their implication in the discipline that studies the mind, yet also then be dismissed as falsehood in the worlds where sociological and political considerations define us. It’s likely because men are so ego driven that they feel rejected by women that do not provide them with what they want, some might call this a weakness, but then it’s evolutionarily rooted so how can it be?

The constant struggle to find compromise within a relationship of post-fifty somethings is a battle that requires a deep understanding of who we are now. I say “we” because I’m there, and how we can continue to love enough in a physical sense beyond our simple evolutionary imperative. He lusts, she capitulates, and in doing so so infrequently pleases him to the minimal extent, definitely this will be in frequency rather than quality, that he seeks no other lioness (doing just enough work not to get fired lol). I’ve put that coldly, as if that is all there is to it, it isn’t that simple. I think his part in this is also a bargain, where he fulfils his duty to be a good man in her eyes, to be worthy of the compromise she makes for him. Now why have I taken his line of thinking? It is of course one theory amongst many, and I may be on the wrong track completely. I do, however, talk over everything I write with my partner, and her perspective guides my understanding beyond what I can feel and know naturally. I was never going to write about this subject from only a man’s perspective, that would be ridiculous.

I would never claim that the post-virile woman does not lust, nor that she is not a sexual person, nor that her enjoyment of sexual congress is not just as good as it ever was, but I am aware that the main difference is that getting there is a different process. Men of my age and older will notice that their partner is not in that zone the way they used to be in their younger years, the journey to that zone is longer, and the efforts to get there may not always lead there. We, as guys, must understand this without letting out frustrations even if we feel them. “A woman needs a reason, a man just needs a place”… this is not just a silly saying. What is necessary to realise primarily as a man, before any other thought is forged, is that your partner is an autonomous being with their own psychology, their own judgements to make, their own bargains to strike, and that they have at all times a right not to (insert whatever here). Your frustrations may lead you, but they are not her fault for not capitulating (INCEL mentality, read up on it, very troubling!).

Let’s drill into the resentment just for a moment, and let’s take an unreasonable perspective just to make a point (this is not my perspective, I am just exploring it as I guess it may be the motivation of an incel?). If there are 43800 minutes in a month, and sexual congress has a mean duration of 30 of these minutes, let’s take off the sleeping minutes, and the working minutes, and the making dinner minutes and the travelling to work minutes… We are left with over 350 hours (21000 minutes) of time (that is a less than generous estimate) that the single sexual act could be delivered into. This represents less than 1% of the total leisure time available. Now as a man, if a woman asked you to sacrifice less than 1% of your time toward any pursuit, you’d just do it because that’s not much time and you are a collaborative unit together in life. It’s no hardship.

I would say though, and I admit I am being a pure guy here…. if he strays because she delays, then she should not be so surprised when it all comes out… And if she strays then he maybe needs to look at how he had been treating her, maybe as a result of his frustration he wasn’t a good guy? This is too simplistic though, I personally have had women cheat on me because their judgement of what a good guy is was not based on morals more than it was based on excitement, but then it was a bad union if I wasn’t what they wanted or needed anyway, so let break what is supposed to be broken maybe? I also have an ex-wife that loved money not people, when I had money I was what she wanted and when she captured most of it I just wasn’t. That’s my fault though, a bad pick on my part. I do believe in one solution, communicate this shit to each other, let each other know what is weighing on your mind, be honest and the resolution may present itself…

I haven’t explained this subject in any way that satisfies the reader or myself, and I am aware of that. I merely wanted to open the thinking door, to bring a potentially misguided perspective. There is much more to think of and to say, and as always what I say is arguable..

Paul S Wilson